Pillow

[verse 1]

Face smashed into a pillow that reeks of sweat and fear

Black eye crusted, lip split, still bleeding slow

Thighs twitching, blood slipping down my leg

Skin scraped raw from the carpet

Bruises shaped like hands down both arms

Purple rings blooming on my hips where he held too tight

Welts stinging on my back from the belt

I don’t move. I just breathe through the pain.

My body isn’t mine anymore

It’s just leftovers

[pre]

But in my head

I’m eight again

Blanket fort in the living room

Sister holding a flashlight like it’s a magic wand

Cartoons humming low

Mac and cheese on the stove

We laugh so hard we fall over

No one’s yelling

No one’s hurting me

No one’s even touching me

[chorus]

I hold this pillow like it’s someone who loves me

Like maybe it can cover the parts that hurt

Pretend I’m not naked

Pretend I’m not leaking

Pretend this room isn’t a crime scene

I dream of a nightlight

A warm hand tucking me in

A world where I’m a boy, not a thing

Where I’m held, not used

Wanted, not wrecked

[verse 2]

Sheets stuck to me with blood and spit

The taste of him still in the back of my throat

Hair torn out behind my ear

Wrist swelling from where he twisted it

Room stinks like cologne, sweat, and shame

I stare at the ceiling

Afraid to blink

Afraid he’s still nearby

Afraid of tomorrow

[pre]

But in my mind

I’m twelve

Laying on the couch next to my brother

Arguing over the last Capri Sun

Notebook full of movies I wanna make

One day I’ll be someone

I’ll have a house with blue walls

I’ll have a door I can lock

And someone who waits up for me

[chorus]

I squeeze this pillow like it’s the only thing that doesn’t hurt

Pretend the stains aren’t mine

Pretend the silence means safety

Pretend I’ll wake up somewhere softer

A porch with wind chimes

A bowl of cereal

A room where I can breathe

Where I’m not ashamed to be seen

Where I’m not something to survive

[bridge]

But I’m still here

Still shaking

Still bleeding

Still scared

And I know tomorrow will be the same

Same man

Same bruises

Same scream muffled into the same pillow

And no one’s coming

Not tonight

Not ever

[outro]

So I wrap my arms around it

Tighter

Like it’s the last thing that can hear me

And I cry into it

Until the shaking stops

Until the night ends

Until I believe the lie

I’m okay

I’m okay

I’m okay